On Second Thoughts

Rethought that workoholic bit in my last post - and I think I was actually overworked. I wasn't a workoholic - I was over worked leaving me no time for anything else - especially life you know. Now I've quit my job and am completely underworked! Dogsitting for a friend is my latest job and helping friends with their films is my other part-time job. Watching a lot of TV; Catching up on movies - Rang De Basanti - everyone likes it except me and a few others I know; Mixed Doubles - I liked it - and hopefully it'll pull through; Element of Crime (Lars Von Trier) - I couldn't understand anything in the film altho the visuals were quite amazing; Sleeper (Woody Allen) - brilliant as all his films are - incredibly funny. Must see!

Now I gotta go back to lazing around and think about life in general!

Equanimous is It

So what would make a workaholic like me pick up her backpack to disappear from the world for 10 days? I don't know but I'm glad I did!

It was a 10-day Vipassana course in Igatpuri, Maharashtra - about 2 and a half hours away from Bombay. I went with absolutely no idea of what I was getting into - I hadn't even read the Code of Discipline properly (yes there's a code of discipline). But on a certain level I was just so glad to get away from the rat race that at the time I would've gladly gone anywhere with any rules & regulations!!

Getting to Igatpuri and registering there was easy; keeping silent for 10 days with a bunch of strangers was easy; going to bed at 9.30pm and getting up at 4.20am was manageable; eating wholesome vegetarian food was the easiest; it was the meditating that almost killed me! And that was because of my mind!

My mind - my hopelessly wandering; meandering; jumping-off-the-wall; procrastinating; drunken; full of rubbishy thoughts; full of grand ideas; full of regret; at times full of low self-esteem; at times full of pride; romantic; practical; obvious; subtle; conniving; simple; at times living in the past; at times living in the future; revengeful; forgiving; sad; delirious mind - that kept me occupied for 10 days! It almost did me in!

Externally I was a picture of perfect calm sitting in the lotus position concentrating on my breath in that large room - but inside - it was chaos! I had to literally drag my mind to pull back my mind from the craziest thoughts that ever existed! Till I finally learnt that if I'm aware of my mind wandering then it comes back to the job at hand immediately. I'd known this earlier too - theoretically - it was the practical side of it that mesmerized me for the 10 days. BTW - the 10 days felt like a decade in the beginning - till I reached Day 6 - after Day 6 I was pretty much sailing .

So I went to learn a technique of meditation that was worked on by Gautam Buddha. Called Dhamma - the technique was brought back to India by S.N.Goenka. (www.dhamma.org)

I learnt a lot - watching myself - my cravings and my aversions - with equanimity. Will it end my suffering? I doubt it because I think mankind will suffer no matter what happens - but I'm aware of myself - and that's what's important - I'm my own mistress - and I can handle my pain and my happiness on my own. Tall claim - but that's what life's all about - search for happiness:-)